A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.
After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders
starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla.
man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at
first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.
"But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla."
he tells the now drunk customer.
He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back
door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of
which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.
As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the
drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."
Through the door they walk down an immense hallway,
so long the other end was lost in the distance.
Constantly as they
walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the
At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough
wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.
Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender
once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you
are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch
my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious
to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he
would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful
With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide
bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized
room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they
approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a
12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer
specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this
world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood
marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he
needs to get back to help at the bar.
The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and
continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him
with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.
Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to
touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was
so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make
him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women?
After an hour
he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.
"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars.
The fog in the
drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar
came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide
bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on
the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down
the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered
breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached
the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and
the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall
after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.
Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half
way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its
hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the
bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face
getting way too close to him.
As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back
door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across
the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.
Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few
seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up
to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple
muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.
"Tag, you're It." it said.